Married to a Pastor and How We Make it Work

A few posts ago, Gaby left this comment regarding her role as a pastor's wife and burnout.

"...It drained me so much that it almost ended my faith and destroyed my marriage. Long story, but we both learned some boundaries, and that sometimes if there is nobody to do it, it just does not get done."

I thought about those two sentences for a long time, and I wanted to hear more. Lucky for us, Gaby decided to share her story.

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The last year in the first church Matt pastored brought to a head all the rookie mistakes we had made as a new pastoral family, and we almost did not walk away whole. The church was small and the needs were many so we stretched ourselves thin serving, working, and giving without taking the time to replenish ourselves spiritually or emotionally as individuals and as a couple. By the time we realized it, we were in trouble, with a new baby and a shaky marriage.

Just at the right time, God in his wisdom intervened, and we received a call from another church a few hours away. It was a chance to start new and do it better this time. From the first interview we explained to the church we would not be a “two-for-one” package. The church was Matt’s to pastor, and I would be his support at home, his biggest fan, but not his right hand person. “I want to be a member of the congregation” I told them. I would serve, as all Christians should, but only as God directed, prayerfully and with His guidance.

Loneliness is one of the most difficult struggles I had in our first church. It stemmed from a combination of not knowing how long we would stay and not understanding how to build relationships with the women in our congregation because, after all, my husband was their pastor, and at times, I didn’t know how to move past this dynamic. I have learned much since those days, and I have some wonderful friends in our current congregation. But, always loving, God has given me the gift of two Christian girlfriends from outside our church who never see me as “the pastor’s wife.” I am only just Gaby, and that’s all they ever expect me to be. It is freeing and they are my safe place whenever I feel the pressures of my role.

From experience, we learned to guard our family as a priority. Matt takes a day off each week that we can spend with the kids and, emergencies barred, no church work is done. We learned to be each other’s accountability partner. If he feels I’m doing too much, he reminds me, and I guard his time at home jealously. There are still times when I feel overwhelmed, but I have learned that it is fine to take a break or to say “no” and that the only One I really need to aim to please is gracious, forgiving, and understanding.

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If you want to read more from Gaby, click over to Life in a Glass House. Click here if you are interested in Sharing Your Story.

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A Fistful of Weeds and The World Spins Madly On

Darnell asked me to prom every day.

I tried to make excuses.

You’ll have more fun with another date. There are tons of girls who would love to go with you. I don’t like you that way. What about our age difference?

See, Darnell was seven and I was nineteen, and neither of us attended high school. We lived at a camp for kids with cancer, Darnell as a camper, me as a counselor.

I discovered the camp while flipping through an outdated booklet intended for corporate trainers. Hiring for the camp ended in April. It was May. I called anyway. A newly hired counselor quit the previous week, and the director hired me over the phone. He seemed surprised a girl from Indiana called about a camp in New Jersey. I wasn’t. I knew I was supposed to be there.

The director assigned me to the youngest girls, the Robins. The Robins were five-year-olds from low income, inner-city homes. The Robins also happened to have cancer.

I didn’t shine in my new position. Our cabin was filthy. We were late to all activities, and the only time those Robins bathed was when the rain pounded down, and I corralled the girls outside and greased them up with soap.

Regardless of what activity I worked, Darnell took each session with me. If I taught four arts and crafts sessions in one day, Darnell made four bird feeders. If I faked my way through leading water aerobics, Darnell, who hated swimming, bounced along with me.

I finally accepted Darnell’s invitation to the prom when his tiny hands brought me a fistful of weeds, and he told me age didn’t matter when you were in love.

We attended prom and took a limo from one side of the camp to the other. We walked through a balloon arch, and we munched on finger food. All night I wondered how many of the kids on the dance floor would see a real prom.

Two days later, Darnell left camp. No time for good-byes. His white blood cell count fell too low. After Darnell left camp, daily activities and the Robins kept me busy, but my head still drifts to that little boy, his fistful of weeds, and the big life lessons Darnell taught me in the three weeks we knew each other.

Thought of you and where you’ve gone, and the world spins madly on. —The Weepies

What about you? Is there a special someone from long ago that still takes up your headspace? Have you ever known someone for a short time and walked away from the relationship changed?

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Linking with the fab girls over at Jen's. Come check us out.

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Doing vs Receiving

It isn’t about doing for God.

It is about receiving what God has planned for you.

Stop.

Now.

And receive.

Why?

Because He loves us, oh, How He Loves Us.

"And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss

And my heart turns violently inside my chest

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets

When I think about the way He loves us" —David Crowder Band

Do you tend to do so much that you miss out on His plans? Why? Can you think of a time when you waited on Him and received?

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Linking with Michelle for Hear it on Sunday. Use it on Monday.

Silly Friends

I know you are aware of this fantabulous opportunity, but I'm kind of like that relative that tells the same story over and over again. Here's an update on our Almost-Sleepover. Humor me, friends.

• We picked a recipient to receive the love and gifts generated by our Almost-Sleepover (October 22, 2011), the Rathbun Center in Asheville, North Carolina. The Rathbun Center serves families by providing free lodging and support to those traveling to Asheville, North Carolina for medical treatment. Because of our experience with a chronically ill child, the Rathbun Center is close to our heart. When we served there with friends, we learned sometimes green beans equal love, and small gestures make a big impact.

• Did you know the Sullivans aren’t the only people in blogland that you may know who are participating in the Almost-Sleepover? My friends Jen and Alicia plan to party it up.


• Twenty-seven states are currently represented. Click here to discover more details and learn how your daughter can make a difference in her community, learn about serving, and host a fun party.

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Now a word from my favorite blogger and eight-year-old daughter, Amelia.

Guess what I’m doing October 22nd? I’m having a almost sleepover!!!!!!!! I am inviting Abigail, Masen, Auburn, Hayden, Lola and I will invite more people but I can’t think of them right now. This me and my friend Masen at my house. This is not the sleepover but the slepover will look like this I think. Love Amelia

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Have you checked out our Get Up and Move Service Ideas for June?

Generous With Forgiveness

I hold grudges, and it works for me.

Sort of.

Not only do I hold grudges for myself, but I hold grudges for my kids (who often forget to keep track of wrongs), my husband (who believes in the good of others), and my friends (who deserve my loyalty).

However, grudges get heavy to lug around, especially if you carry the weight of grudges that aren’t your own, and as I work on generosity in my life, I see the need to address the idea of being generous with forgiveness.

Apparently, God thinks I need a little work too because He started sprinkling ideas about forgiveness throughout my life.

When a friend gave me a book, I opened it, and read an old verse with new meaning. Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you. When a believing person prays, great things happen. James 5:16

Then, I thought about a girl named Erin from sixth grade, who made fun of the fake, blue rectangles I drew on my wanna-be Keds, and I wondered why I still carried her words with me.

And I thought about a girl named Kelly who I treated poorly, really poorly, and I wondered if my empty, "I'm sorry" meant anything to her.

I discovered Amish Grace, a book that discusses a 2006 school shooting, and the unimaginable forgiveness the Amish showed the murderer.

I connected with Deidra, a friend of a friend, and her words painted a picture of what Jesus sees when He looks at us, "a life disfigured by sin; a slow shuffling walk beneath the weight of heavy burdens".

I would love to report about the progress I'm making with forgiveness. However, the only thing I have to report is that I find myself stuck on step one of the chalk outline pictured above, and honestly, I'd like to skip straight to step five.

What words and thoughts do you find running through your head? Can you think of a time when everywhere you turned you observed a common theme?

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Get Up and Move Ideas and Serving Your Family

Too often in our attempt to serve others, we overlook our own family. Why? Well, because cleaning the kitchen doesn’t feel like serving, it feels like a chore, and you loathe chores. Plus, creating fun activities for your kids doesn’t seem like serving, it seems like crafting, and crafting takes talent, glue, and multicolored buttons.

Right? Wrong.

This month’s Get Up and Move focus? Inexpensive and fun ideas to bring you and your kids together. It doesn't matter if you have an hour on the weekend or the whole month of July, pick an idea to fit your needs and increase the amount of intentional time you spend with your kids (or invest in kids that are not your own!).

• Create a book club with your kids. Nope, this isn’t just about academics. It’s about spending quiet time together, relaxing on the porch, and being face-to-face close. Let your child choose a couple friends to “join", pick a fun place to discuss, and get reading.

• Cook Together. Depending on age, assign your kids various cooking duties, or for the tweens and teens, handover one day of the week and allow them to prepare meals.

• Build your own mini-water park. “H2-Ohhhh” discusses do-it-yourself ideas ranging from simple, water noodle sprinklers to more complex, PVC pipe towers, but all involve one thing, water!

• Turn into a candy maker. Maybe my kids don’t find my healthy food ideas exciting, but once I lead a lollipop making session, I will finally earn that coveted Fun Mama crown. Click here for easy lollies.

• Watch a movie. Yes, I said it. Get your busy self in front of the TV and watch a movie that teaches and stirs conversation. Need some ideas?

• Make your own play dough. This easy how-to video explains it all.

• Create and write postcards to far away family. Use up things you would normally toss, keep in touch with loved ones, and practice writing skills. Yep, click here for the details.

• Go outside and grow something. Grow anything! Discover flowers you can eat and grow something you can wear.

What about you? How will you serve your children by intentionally spending time with them? Have you tried any of the above listed ideas? Favorites? Things that bombed?

Watch for more ideas.

July: Serving Your Community and August: Serving the World

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Linking with Jen and other sweet, encouraging, creative-types over at Finding Heaven.

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Chocolate Covered Potato Chips in Ice Cream

How can we serve if we don’t notice the small blessings in our lives? Today I'm finding big meaning in the little things and counting my gifts with Ann.

53. Dads who love and give love and always inspire.

54. Chocolate covered potato chips in ice cream.

55. Peaceful places and peaceful minds

56. Tiny ones who like to observe anything that crawls.

57. Friends, including you, who have been missed.

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Out tomorrow: Get Up and Move Newsletter. Oh, yeah. Loads of meaningful service ideas for you and your fam to enjoy this summer. Can't wait to share.

Unplugged but Still Loved

The Sullivans are unplugging but just for a bit.

Heading here to celebrate my sister, love on them, reconnect with him, read this book, hang out with a waterskiing stunt girl, and rock out to this.

See you in a week, friends.

When I Have Nothing Left to Give

Do you know Esther Feng, author of For Such a Time as This? If not, you must. This bio chem major turned teacher turned writer packs a big punch in just a few words, and she always leaves me longing to read more. Today, Esther shares about "generosity-fatigue," a great term that I plan on stealing. For sure. Consider it stolen. Here’s Esther.

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A sense of dread comes over me as I hear an announcement at church. “Get involved! Sign up to help refugees in our community.” What I hear is, “Give us time you don’t have!”

Later that week, I roll my eyes as I sort the mail. A well-worded plea for financial support joins the two I tossed in the recycle bin the day before.

I am weary of the too-frequent, too-plentiful, too-big-for-me requests. I’ve already given so much. I have nothing left to give.

OK, fine. It’s not that I have NOTHING left to give. I just don’t have the emotional energy, the love, and the desire to give.

I berate myself for feeling so tapped out. My heart hardens, ignoring the need. Defensiveness dries my soul as I rest on the litany of generous deeds of the past.

But Jesus comes near to tell me he understands. When I’m unable to squeeze one more ounce of generosity out of me, he reminds me he was once in the desert, parched and hungry, in total desperation. In my generosity-fatigue, I want to simply stop and rest. Jesus reminds me he sometimes said “no” to those who needed healing to be alone and pray.

Yes, Jesus is with me when I have nothing left to give.

But He doesn’t stop at simply sympathizing with my lack. The Living Water flows over me, without end. He generously refreshes my parched soul, softening the dry, cracked soil of my heart. He gives me permission to rest, to be still, and to simply imbibe his refreshing love.

As I stop giving and let his love wash over me, I am refilled, refreshed and renewed. Not giving never felt so good. Yet the next time I hear another request for help, my filled-up heart bursts with a desire to serve, to help, to give.

Yes, it’s more blessed to give than to receive. But when I have nothing left to give, I go to the Ultimate Giver. He generously fills me up and his love splashes all over those around me.

Do you ever feel like you have nothing left to give?

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Thank you, Esther. To read more by Esther, click over to her place (trust me, you'll want to!) To learn how to share your story, click here.

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To Those Who Love My Kids

Someone said she was a “nerd". He claimed her blue glasses weren’t stylish, but silly. He announced the dinosaur book she carried was “dumb", and she cried because she wondered if these things could be true.

Hurtful words stung.

But then, my friend came swooping in with a long letter about being special and a book about the opinions of others and a silly picture of my beautiful friend back in the day, a picture in which my friend sported thick, round glasses of her own.

And the hurtful words stung less.

I’m amazed by those who love my kids. The daycare provider who kisses away hurts and teaches that some rocks are called mica and paints tiny toes pink. The BFF’s mom who doles out advice on bullies and healthy teeth and growing kind hearts. The second grade teacher who “makes everything more fun” and “is the prettiest person ever” and rekindled my eight-year-old's love for school.

To all of you, I am beyond-words-thankful. You have taught me that giving isn’t about time or money or big causes. Sometimes giving is about loving and investing in kids that are not your own.

What about you? Do you have someone who makes special time for your kids? Who? Do you feel called to show someone in your life a little extra love?

My Bad Attitude Revisited

Do you remember my recent whining? See, I was mildly uncomfortable about participating in a food drive with my church. My church wanted us to gather canned goods from our neighbors for local families in need. I liked the canned goods for the needy part. I didn’t like the asking my neighbors part.

But I stretched myself a little, and this is what happened.

A new neighbor gave me her phone number, asked about having a playdate, and we collected some Mott’s Applesauce and a full bag of food.

Bill and Ruby dropped by our house to deliver oatmeal and beans and tell us about a community event our kids might be interested in attending.

Mr. Jack and Miss Jean hung veggies on their porch and smiled at the snail’s pace in which our wagon moved.

Cindy waited in her car before she left for the day to make certain we received her peaches and pears.

The Bailey Bunch gave us the usual treatment of smiles and love, but also added a jam-packed, yellow bag of non-perishables.

We met people, spent time with our kids, gathered food, and forced ourselves out of the just-wave-and-smile-mentality we have grown so used to, and guess what?

It felt good.

In what ways have you stretched yourself lately? Made a new friend? Shared one of your struggles? Volunteered when you felt unfit? Tried something new? Let's hear it!

Things People Do For Good

Some do good by hopping on bikes and riding 3,000 miles.

Some do good by hopping a plane to Hungary.

Some do good by hopping on a pogo stick for 26 miles.

Some do good by letting go of ideas about Mardi Gras beads and Santa Claus.

But really, it isn't about works and doing good or being good. It's about passion and doing something. It's about that feeling stirring inside you. It's about you noticing when that one cause comes up in coversation, and it's about taking small steps to involve yourself in big ways.

What is it that you just can't stand to see take place in this world?

Heeelp

Dear Book Lovers and Other Smarties,

I am creating a list of books that inspire action or encourage people to see the world differently. Specific categories include but aren’t limited to prayer, strangers, money, compassion, talent, and forgiveness.

This is where you come in. Please think back to books (fiction or nonfiction) that motivated you to create change within yourself or the world. Then, in the comment section, leave the book’s title.

Need a few examples?

Kids-The Giving Tree, Shel Silverstein

Teens-To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee

Adults-Radical, David Platt or The Hole in Our Gospel, Richard Stearns

Do you have more than a couple of books that challenged you? Perfect, leave multiple titles!

Thanks for the help, friends.

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